my emotional baggage:

I need to talk to someone, not my husband, not my sisters, not my mom, and none of my in-laws. A friend may be a good option, maybe, but which friend? The one that I go to when something is going really good or really bad? The one who just had a baby less than a month ago? Or the one that I’ve complained about, felt hurt by, and still patching things up with? Perhaps my HR rep/payroll/friend at work can help. In fact, I almost did message her, right before she sent me a text asking me to join her in a prayer for her sister as she continues to fight against stage 4 cancer. All of a sudden, my own issues feel more like mere complaints.

Hear me out, or read I guess. September 2018, my husband and I found out we were expecting. Four extremely short weeks after that, he drove me to the emergency room where they told us we had lost our baby. I took a week off work to heal emotionally, but that entire week felt like a lazy time off work.

You see here, I had a feeling the day before my miscarriage. I had began spotting lightly on a Tuesday morning while I was at work. The following Saturday while my husband was working, I had a quiet, mourning. Coming to think of it, it might’ve been the morning of. I turned the TV off, the lights, and curled up on the couch in the dark, I put my hands over my slowly growing belly and I quietly cried. I remember praying and crying, asking God to set my mind at ease and to show me I was wrong, to let me be wrong. I started cramping as I typically do on my period and by the time my husband got home, the cramping had doubled. I tried not to worry him and kept the pain to myself and tried not to show it. With my mom’s advice, we drove to the emergency after the spotting became actual bleeding. When the doctor came in to tell us the sad news, I didn’t react. I felt like I knew it since before we even got there.

It’s been just over seven months, and my cycles just regulated two months ago. In these past seven months, one of my sisters in law (SIL) and my friend gave birth to their babies, and my older sister and two other SILs found out they are expecting and my husband and I are still here, waiting.

With every baby announcement, I’ve cheered, jumped and celebrated with the parents. I’ve also cried on my way home. Excuse my selfishness, please, I don’t mean to ruin your moment, the thing is; every baby announcement reopens my unhealed wound.

I understand that God’s timing is perfect and that I need to be patient and wait for my turn, but I’m growing tired. Tired of putting up an excited face when I show up to family events. Tired of attending baby showers that bring me envious joy. And tired of hearing about the size of your growing babies week after week. I know what it’s like. I felt it, too. I lived it, too. I was that excited, too. Can’t you be just a tiny bit considerate?

I guess I’m more angry than I realized. More jealous for sure. I’m not mad at God anymore. I think He understands. I’m just tired. I feel like I’m hanging by a thread, I feel the brokenness. I’m so full with doubt, why? Why us? What could I have done differently? What did I do for this to have happened? Why do I still feel this weak after all these months?

my toxic self.

according to google, a toxic person can be characterized as someone who is manipulative, jealous, judgmental, or of that kind. i mean – we all experience these sorts of emotions at some point, right? so what is it about me that makes me so toxic?

when i say that i’m toxic, i don’t necessarily mean that i’m toxic to others – i may be, but what i mean is that i’m toxic to myself. after all, that’s what i’m working towards: becoming the best version of myself. in order to become, i have to reflect on what i believe is the best.

pardon my confusing demeanor, i tend to go on tangents when i dive into my own thinking:

you see, for years, i’ve come to feel and live as if i’m being observed. what i wear, what i do, what i chose to say and act like. every time i’ve changed my hair color or dressing style, you best believe i walked out of my house feeling self conscious about whether i made the right choice or not. i also tend to prepare myself for the critics that may come and voice their opinions. the truth is, they’re not really there. in fact, many times, i get compliments thrown my way. i’m a person with low self esteem, and it sucks. the worst part is that i didn’t come to realize this part about me until a couple of years ago, and it was until a few months ago that i came to find that i’m toxic to myself.

they say that you’re your toughest critic, and it’s true. “going blonde wasn’t the right color for your skin tone”, “that dress is too tight for your body type”, “you shouldn’t have had that piece of chocolate” – knowing that i bring these comments to myself is what i mean – i can be so judgmental. so what if i look a bit more tan with my blonde hair, it’s a very nice, natural tan. and yes, that dress is form fitting, FORM.FITTING. not tight – so what if i have a roll on my belly when i sit down, that’s perfectly normal. and yes – i ate that chocolate, it was good, i still regret it, but so what, move on and just don’t eat another.

this is exactly my point. why can’t i just accept that i’m not exactly what i think people would want me to be, or better yet, what i want to be. if there is something i’d like different within or about myself, i could make the decision to change.

for the longest time, i thought i was jealous of the skinny girls with a crop top, or the gorgeous girls who can pull off a makeup-free face, the girls who can eat anything and own it. turns out, i was wrong. these past couple of months, i’ve come to realize that i wasn’t jealous of who they are, but WHAT they have in common: self esteem. which brings me to the next point – i’m jealous. not towards women who may approach my husband or people who have things i don’t. but jealous of the women who take on this world with confidence. that’s the one thing i do wish i had.

i’m not here to feel sorry for myself anymore. i’ve grown to realize that me comparing myself IS toxic. me trying to act the way i think confident women should is toxic. and the most toxic thing of all is to not be myself.

so there it is – i’ve found my “problem” or better yet – my challenge.

my toxic findings.

i’m in the process of learning to understand, improve, and love myself. you know – how everybody says it now adays “working on the best version of myself”. of course, with that, comes getting to know the real me. even the aspects of myself that i don’t like.

when learning to do these things, sometimes you find yourself looking for inspirational quotes and even reading books that will help you hold on tight to what you want to achieve. well – i stumbled across this great book that actually caught my attention. i am not a huge fan of reading, but that’s mainly because i don’t know how to look for a book. i mean, where do you begin? genre? author? font size? are there rules on how to find a book? do we have the technology where alexa can just order a book for us based on what we have in mind? my point: this book i found is meant to teach you how to get rid of toxic emotions in your life. one of the sections that caught me was about the toxic people in your life, how to know who they are, and what category of “toxicity” they belong to. i’ve still yet to read the full book, but this got me thinking about these toxic traits in people: being attention hoggers, mean complimenters, or using you to their benefit. i mean, i am talking about one book and one chapter that caught my eye, but there are so many out there that teach us (or try to) how to deal with these types of people, but what do you do when you find out that you are that person?