my toxic self.

according to google, a toxic person can be characterized as someone who is manipulative, jealous, judgmental, or of that kind. i mean – we all experience these sorts of emotions at some point, right? so what is it about me that makes me so toxic?

when i say that i’m toxic, i don’t necessarily mean that i’m toxic to others – i may be, but what i mean is that i’m toxic to myself. after all, that’s what i’m working towards: becoming the best version of myself. in order to become, i have to reflect on what i believe is the best.

pardon my confusing demeanor, i tend to go on tangents when i dive into my own thinking:

you see, for years, i’ve come to feel and live as if i’m being observed. what i wear, what i do, what i chose to say and act like. every time i’ve changed my hair color or dressing style, you best believe i walked out of my house feeling self conscious about whether i made the right choice or not. i also tend to prepare myself for the critics that may come and voice their opinions. the truth is, they’re not really there. in fact, many times, i get compliments thrown my way. i’m a person with low self esteem, and it sucks. the worst part is that i didn’t come to realize this part about me until a couple of years ago, and it was until a few months ago that i came to find that i’m toxic to myself.

they say that you’re your toughest critic, and it’s true. “going blonde wasn’t the right color for your skin tone”, “that dress is too tight for your body type”, “you shouldn’t have had that piece of chocolate” – knowing that i bring these comments to myself is what i mean – i can be so judgmental. so what if i look a bit more tan with my blonde hair, it’s a very nice, natural tan. and yes, that dress is form fitting, FORM.FITTING. not tight – so what if i have a roll on my belly when i sit down, that’s perfectly normal. and yes – i ate that chocolate, it was good, i still regret it, but so what, move on and just don’t eat another.

this is exactly my point. why can’t i just accept that i’m not exactly what i think people would want me to be, or better yet, what i want to be. if there is something i’d like different within or about myself, i could make the decision to change.

for the longest time, i thought i was jealous of the skinny girls with a crop top, or the gorgeous girls who can pull off a makeup-free face, the girls who can eat anything and own it. turns out, i was wrong. these past couple of months, i’ve come to realize that i wasn’t jealous of who they are, but WHAT they have in common: self esteem. which brings me to the next point – i’m jealous. not towards women who may approach my husband or people who have things i don’t. but jealous of the women who take on this world with confidence. that’s the one thing i do wish i had.

i’m not here to feel sorry for myself anymore. i’ve grown to realize that me comparing myself IS toxic. me trying to act the way i think confident women should is toxic. and the most toxic thing of all is to not be myself.

so there it is – i’ve found my “problem” or better yet – my challenge.

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